Okay then, a description

So I tried to update my tumblr description and it turns out they no longer support links in that and it’s shorter, making it pretty terrible as a description IMO. But now you can pin posts, so I guess the idea is that you do that. So.

My name is Ryan. I live in Berlin, Germany. I used to live in London, UK, on a canalboat and before that, briefly, in Toronto, Canada, and before all that, South Africa. I live with my beautiful girlfriend and our beautiful, deeply stupid dog in a tiny apartment in a quiet neighbourhood. I do tech things. You know how it is.

I also now have a real-life website, like for real, where I post small personal projects and things when I remember.

My first post on this site was in March of 2007, more than 15 years ago. These are some of my favourite stupid things I’ve put on this site.

slaughterhousefive:

I just need everyone to know about this tiktok account where these two girls sit and make a cocktail or a mixed drink, usually in a public place, but specifically usually like a fast food restaurant, and look around somewhat nervously while they do it like they’re on the run. They’re usually prominently featuring 2000s-era pop culture like wearing bedazzled clothing or using a Motorola RAZR. It’s called 2girls1bottl3 and I’m obsessed with it.

3psycho hose beast

Spiders and the fucking thereof

I guess what I mostly like about the Australian phrase “I didn’t come here to fuck spiders” (meaning ‘I am here to do serious work’) is that by emphasising specific words you can really change the tone and meaning.

“I didn’t come here to fuck spiders.”
I am accusing someone else of being present solely to fuck spiders.

“I didn’t come here to fuck spiders.”
You seem sure I am here solely to fuck spiders and I resent the implication.

“I didn’t come here to fuck spiders.”
I fuck spiders at other times, in more suitable places.

“I didn’t come here to fuck spiders.”
I am here on other spider-related business.

“I didn’t come here to fuck spiders.”
I am here to fuck other, different arachnids.

“I didn’t come here to fuck spiders…”
I was not planning to fuck spiders but now that the opportunity has made itself available, I am open to the idea.

image

Spoiler: It’s a new video filter that makes it look like you’re fully eye-banging everyone on the Zoom call.

Yep, that’s right. They trained an AI for months just to ensure it looks like you’re having a constant, unwavering gaze-gangbang when you’re just staring at your cat.

Super computers were dedicated - for DAYS - to ensuring your colleagues could be subjected to wildly unhinged eyeball frottage, all while you’re browsing Reddit.

Nvidia had teams of scientists whose whole job was to ensure that literally no-one left one of your meetings without feeling like they’d been visually licked from eyebrows to big toes, and powered all by the world’s strongest supercomputers.

Technology: it’s here to eye-fuck you.

everythinginthesky:

Day 215.

The porn bots are strongest at night. They nearly breached the perimeter again yesterday. We managed to reinforce some of the windows using old slashfic but we still, we lost two tumblogs in the panic. I’ll reblog some of their posts today in their memory. There’s so few of us now.

Also… I was bitten. No one saw. I think I’m okay. Just a scratch. No need to tell the others.

Day 216

I’m feverish and shaking. It’s difficult to keep it hidden and I’m pretty sure fuckyeahrobocoptwo is suspicious. I’ve managed to keep the bite covered up. I don’t know what will happen if they see it.

It could still just be food poisoning, right? Couldn’t it?

3everything in the sky

Day 215.

The porn bots are strongest at night. They nearly breached the perimeter again yesterday. We managed to reinforce some of the windows using old slashfic but we still, we lost two tumblogs in the panic. I’ll reblog some of their posts today in their memory. There’s so few of us now.

Also… I was bitten. No one saw. I think I’m okay. Just a scratch. No need to tell the others.

humansofnewyork: ““He doesn’t love me, that’s for sure. You can project human qualities onto these things until they bite your ass cheek. He bit my ass cheek. Middle of the night, wife asleep in the bed, I bend over to pick something up, and he bites...

humansofnewyork:

“He doesn’t love me, that’s for sure. You can project human qualities onto these things until they bite your ass cheek. He bit my ass cheek. Middle of the night, wife asleep in the bed, I bend over to pick something up, and he bites me right on the ass. He’s very dangerous if he doesn’t get his way. If you aren’t accommodating his wishes, he can screech you right into the ground. He won’t go in his cage. Our entire apartment is filled with driftwood from the Hudson. He likes to sit on the driftwood when he watches TV. He’ll take food off our plates. If anyone is talking, he has to be there. He wants to be part of everything. And the worst part is they won’t die. They live to be 80 or 100. You know the saying: ‘This too shall pass’? Not the umbrella cockatoo. This too, shall not pass. There’s no hope. That’s the horror of it. I told this to a nine-year old girl in the park. This girl was a genius. She says: ‘You’ll never have to say goodbye. You have an infinite pet.’ It was the darkest thing I’ve ever heard.”

3Humans of New York